


I Hate Fish

by epershand



Category: Star Wars Holiday Special (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-26
Updated: 2011-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-18 17:19:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epershand/pseuds/epershand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A behind-the-scenes moment from the store scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate Fish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caminante](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caminante/gifts).



> Originally posted to LiveJournal on April 30, 2003 with the subject "You want to read the crap Star Wars fanfic. Really you do." It is mostly just 500 words of ridiculous in-joke.

I don't like fish. I never have and I never will. That's what makes this entire situation so laughable, so horribly ironic. I always shuddered when I saw fish, with their slimy bodies and their bulbous eyes. And now I have one more reason to hate them. You have shown me that it is more than body temperature implied when people call fish cold-blooded. I will never be able to look at another fish again remembering the way you stole my heart and scorned my love.

I will never understand why it bothers you so that we come from opposite worlds. You are an Admiral, a hero to the Rebellion. And I, I am a lowly Imperial soldier. I cannot breath in natural environment, and it is true that I first came to Calimari as a member of the troops intending to destroy it, ripping apart the atmosphere and draining the oceans to mine for the precious jewels deep below the planet’s surface.

But our love could have survived these things, I know it, if you had only returned my eternal affection. I loved you, Ackbar, and I still do. Until my dying day, I will remember the beauty of your eyes, each the size of one of my fists, as you turned away from me. I will remember the tentacles of your chin and the way your skin felt, the scales so smooth and the slime so soft to the touch. Why did you pull away from my touch, Ackbar? I would have done everything for you!

It is you who have driven me here, to the Wookie homeworld of Kashyyyk. I could no longer bear to be around you, and yet unable to have you as I wished, and so I fled. I fled to the most boring planet in the galaxy. When you hear about Kashyyyk, all the stories are of the dangerous lower levels and the adventurers who descend to fight wild, unknown animals. The vast majority of Kashyyyk, however, cares not for dangers. They would rather wash the dishes and confuse themselves by reading English and watching bad Earth music from the seventies as though they were stoned. I thought that, coming here, I would be able to throw myself into the lifestyle and forget you.

Even here, on this forested world so different from your oceans, I cannot help but be reminded of you. When I first arrived, I went to a shop to distract myself from thoughts of you. The shopkeeper must have recognized me for what I was, a fish-lusting pervert, as he tried to sell me a pocket-sized aquarium. He must have heard the passion in my voice when I told him that I don’t like fish.

I don’t like fish, I say! I don’t want to drown in the pools of your fishy eyes, to loose myself in... no! I don’t like fish!

Desperate to escape the shop, I took the next thing the shopkeeper offered, a universal device which I was sure could distract me from you. My device can to everything--it can trim my hair, and wash my eyes, and even recite all Imperial penal codes.

It could be everything to me. Just as you once were.


End file.
